I am not quite sure where it came from. All of a sudden fear has fallen away and I am ready to tell the world that I am Trans that I want to be a woman. A year ago and even a month or two ago I would only admit that to myself. Saying that out loud to another person would have been unimaginable. Other girls talk about ones bell ringing, this is similar, like a switch has been thrown and I am now ready to take that next big step.
Don't get me wrong I am still a nervous wreck when I go out as April to somewhere new. My friends and I often frequent a local coffee shop. The staff know us and I feel totally comfortable meeting their for a little girl talk. Put me in a mall for the first time and I will be a basket case for the first forty five minutes or so. Then I can shop till I drop.
The confidence is that I am becoming April more and more even when I do not clearly present as female. I feel her presence even when I am at work in guy mode. And I welcome her "hostile" takeover. My therapist described her as ruthless but in a good way. Perhaps she is finally tired of hiding. I wrote to one friend saying that once I have told my children, almost everyone I care about will know and to paraphrase Nelson, the rest can be damned.
More importantly I am no longer filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. Those terrible twin emotions that drive Trans people to despair and their darkest thoughts. It is a confidence that I finally believe that I can do it, that I can successfully transition. I have hope again. I can now imagine the unimaginable...telling people and transition itself has become "maginable" . My SO talked about telling her parents, her sister and brother, about neighbors finding out and I found that I could take it that I wanted them to know, that I was excited and happy to let them know who I am. It is a step closer to becoming who I want to be.
Therapy has allowed me to better accept myself and now I can share April with those I love and eventually the world. Becoming April is not a bad thing it is not shameful or a cause for guilt it is a JOYOUS thing, it is a transformation full of LOVE and HOPE.
It is this weekend we plan to tell the children. I am scared; I do not want to hurt them. I have though a lot about what I will say and how to say it but most importantly I need to let them feel that joy and the love and hope that is in my heart. I will be a better person and a better parent.
Ok, I hope this didn't come across as too Pollyannaish, I have no misconceptions about the difficulties on the road ahead, but I have tank full of hope and a pretty good idea where I am going. ...now where is that on ramp?
An indulgence, spare me a thought this weekend and if inclined say a prayer for my family.
Don't get me wrong I am still a nervous wreck when I go out as April to somewhere new. My friends and I often frequent a local coffee shop. The staff know us and I feel totally comfortable meeting their for a little girl talk. Put me in a mall for the first time and I will be a basket case for the first forty five minutes or so. Then I can shop till I drop.
The confidence is that I am becoming April more and more even when I do not clearly present as female. I feel her presence even when I am at work in guy mode. And I welcome her "hostile" takeover. My therapist described her as ruthless but in a good way. Perhaps she is finally tired of hiding. I wrote to one friend saying that once I have told my children, almost everyone I care about will know and to paraphrase Nelson, the rest can be damned.
More importantly I am no longer filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. Those terrible twin emotions that drive Trans people to despair and their darkest thoughts. It is a confidence that I finally believe that I can do it, that I can successfully transition. I have hope again. I can now imagine the unimaginable...telling people and transition itself has become "maginable" . My SO talked about telling her parents, her sister and brother, about neighbors finding out and I found that I could take it that I wanted them to know, that I was excited and happy to let them know who I am. It is a step closer to becoming who I want to be.
Therapy has allowed me to better accept myself and now I can share April with those I love and eventually the world. Becoming April is not a bad thing it is not shameful or a cause for guilt it is a JOYOUS thing, it is a transformation full of LOVE and HOPE.
It is this weekend we plan to tell the children. I am scared; I do not want to hurt them. I have though a lot about what I will say and how to say it but most importantly I need to let them feel that joy and the love and hope that is in my heart. I will be a better person and a better parent.
Ok, I hope this didn't come across as too Pollyannaish, I have no misconceptions about the difficulties on the road ahead, but I have tank full of hope and a pretty good idea where I am going. ...now where is that on ramp?
An indulgence, spare me a thought this weekend and if inclined say a prayer for my family.
Hugs,
April
