A Question of Confidence

It has been a week since I visited CAMH, time is flying by and I feel that September and the planned date for going full time will be here before I know it.

Friday is already Canada Day and the summer solstice has come and gone, so many things to do, cars to sell, the Corvette still has not come out of hibernation. We are finally coming to grips with moving around the children's bedrooms and a quick repaint of the oldest's room seems like planning for D-Day when every day life is constantly getting in the way.

My focus has been on work work work primarily and although it has taken my attention away from any transition issues it means that I am not obsessing about what the neighbours or remaining relatives will think. I am afraid I have a very one track mind and tend to fixate on single issues.

I also cannot help worrying about employment and what will happen if I am not successful in helping the company grow and have to look for a new gig as April.

I feel rightly or not that a successful initial transition (going full time) is very much dependent on mental preparedness, at least for me. I wish I passed every time without question, even with FSS and SRS I expect that will not always be the case.

A projection of confidence and self assurance in our true gender is perhaps the most important ingredient. I know I see that in the reaction to some of my more fearless friends.

Believe it or not my confidence is slowly improving, especially as my hair grows longer and the hormones promote changes in body and mind. I am not as timorous in public but still have a long way to go. Work and family life mean that I do not get out as much as I would like as April and I fear that September will be a something of a trial by fire and less like slipping seamlessly into a new identity. To paraphrase on an old statistics professor trials and suffering are good for you.

The Eldorado continues its slow march towards getting licensed. A trip to the Ministry of Transportation offices resulted in disappointment on Saturday. I had gotten up early and headed out the door but still faced a line up even before they opened their doors at 9:00 Am. Despite a safety certificate (like an MOT), proof of insurance, invoice and original ownership it turned out I didn't have the proper Ministry approved appraisal form…for tax purposes of course.

I was happier with the above photo from Saturday as my hair looked better in my opinion. I also love the top, seems to be very French.

Well from France to Italy, here is Mina with Bang Bang from 1967. Mina is an Italian pop legend who was on the scene from the late fifties to the missed seventies. From wikipedia: Mina dominated the Italian charts for fifteen years and reached an unsurpassed level of popularity in Italy. She has scored 77 albums and 71 singles on the Italian charts.

I actually like her take better than Nancy Sinatra, Tarantino should have used this version in Kill Bill.

Hugs,

April

CAMH 2

Tuesady was the big day for my follow up appointment at CAMH. I spent time in the morning getting some real work done, a quick bite to eat then a rush (as usual) to get ready.

The weather was not humid with temperature at noon around 75 degrees so I ended up taking the Electra and let J keep her vehicle.

The drive into Toronto was not bad with only one minor slow down. Off the Gardiner Expressway at Spadina then north through China Town to College. I paid the exorberante fee to park underground at the University of Totonto just down the street from CAMH.

I wore my favorite green dress but the cream two inch heels were murder so I found a place of sit down and have a diet Coke instead of wander around.

My appointment was with a newish female intern, as there has been a changing of the guard so to speak in the almost two years (1 year and 9 months) since my last visit. Almost everyone seems to have retired.

We spent the time discussing the changes and developments since my last visit. Basically I have to show them proof of going full time, pay stubs, letter from my boss etc. at that point I start the clock ticking on my one year real life experience. After that point I can be approved for surgery. Amazing to think that in one year I would be able to book an appointment with Dr. Brassard in Montreal.

Overall a good day. Stuck in terrible rush hour traffic going south on Spadina, clocked by a trio of teenage girls handing out leaflets to passing motorists, which was upsetting after a positive meeting. No one else seemed to pay me any undue attention. I think I held up well in the heat (no working AC) and only looked partially wilted...see self portrait in the car.

The drive back on the QEW was stop and go so I got off at Winston Churchill and met up with Natasha and her spouse for chicken wings before returning home...waiting for dark of course.

Hugs,

April

A Return Visit

CAMH is the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, they are the gatekeepers for all sexual reassignment surgery in Ontario.

I saw them almost two years ago for my initial diagnosis. The appointment on Tuesday in Toronto is a follow up to let them know the progress I have made and that I plan to go full time in September.(job permitting)

Of course I plan to go as April, just as I did on my first visit. This time no wig or silicone to hide behind.

Their rule is two years full time as a woman before one is eligible for surgery. I believe the requirement has recently been reduced to one year. But there will be a backlog.

I still need an outfit and have had neither the time or the budget for something new. Hope "J" and I can put something together tonight.

Since the climate control system in the Electra is not working I asked J if I could take her Town & Country which has working AC. Worried I would arrive a sweaty mess if I could not stay cool in rush hour traffic. I don't need as much makeup as before but I will not go completely natural.

Forecast calls for rain so maybe I will take the Electra after all and save her the indignity of driving a 35 year old car to work.

I did briefly consider taking the GO Train (a commuter service) but the ride back would be during rush hour and the train is usually packed to the gills, standing room only. I am not that confident to present as April in such close contact and sharing ones personal space for an extended period of time.

Or I could go the parade float route and drive my 59 convertible.

I pray that visit is as positive as my first. If I were not so worried about the economy I would feel more celebratory.

My kind of traffic:

Peyton Place

As I said yesterday what I am currently worried about (besides economics) is the reaction of our neighbours on the close knit suburban street we live on and have lived on for 15 years.

Our quiet tree lined street is like going back in time three or four decades. It is its own little community within the bedroom community that serves the "centre of the universe" otherwise known as Toronto.

Everyone on our street is basically the same age with young children and of the same waspish ethnic background. Everyone knows everyone to some degree, the children play together and the adults get together for impromptu barbecues and parties on the front lawns where someones garage becomes the local pub for the evening. Quite idyllic really.

Not much has changed since the suburb was built in the early seventies, just the cars on three street look more modern, well not in my case.

"J" and I have talked a little as how to break the news prior to that day in September where I take that first public step out the front door as April, the day I nuke the planet from space. I or we will speak to the immediate neighbours to the left, right and directly across the road from us. "J" will speak to some of her friends up and down the street.

News travels fast here and I would expect the entire street to know that same day. I do not relish the idea of becoming the local "tranny". I am sure I will experience more than a few panic attacks in those early days. As much as I want that day to come, to begin to live authentically I am almost physically sick with worry over my neighbours reactions. In fact I much less fear coming out at work (already out to my boss) and dealing with clients in what is a predominately male industry.

I do not want "J" to be ostracized by her friends, I don't want other parents on the street forbidding their children from coming over to our house to play with our kids.

I don't expect angry villagers with torches but "J" and I have discussed worse case scenarios, that we have to move or that I will have to leave at least for now to somehow lessen the blow. Out of site, out of mind.

Hugs,

April

From Wikipedia:

Peyton Place is a novel about the soap opera goings on in small New England town published in 1956. Peyton Place became a movie in 1957 and an equally famous primetime drama series,which aired on ABC in half-hour episodes from September 15, 1964 to June 2, 1969. The term "Peyton Place" became a generic label for any community whose inhabitants have sordid secrets.

Drinking Gasoline

I thought that working from home would free up more time but it seems as if my days have been getting more and more busy. As a result the frequency of this blog has suffered. Previously I would use some of my commuting time behind the wheel to compose posts in my head. Now I try and find a minute or two to squeeze my thoughts onto a word document.

So what's new…the Eldorado finally made it home after a year plus of being up at one of the few garages I trust to work on my cars. Unfortunately the left hand side body fillers between behind the front and rear bumpers cracked. The original urethane is very susceptible to UV rays. I had already replaced the right hand side with fibreglass repops. I am getting good at taking them part ;)

The plan is to get her quickly on the road at little or no cost (meaning I have to do the work). Then decide which seventies GM front drive luxury car I am going to keep and which to sell….or both sigh. Any major problems will mean parting her out (April sheds a tear) so she better get to work and earn her keep in my oversized fleet of super tankers. In light of record high gas prices, what do I decide to drive, the biggest V8 ever installed in a production car…a 500 cubic inch Cadillac motor, that is 8.2 liters for my European readers.

I got out on Sunday to see girlfriends Marissa and Natasha, too much coffee was consumed. I was feeling like I wanted to bow out but I had a great time and was glad I decided to go.

On Monday evening I had a doctors appointment, blood work showed estrogen high, testosterone super low to minuscule. Referral to a voice clinic in Toronto. I also talked to her about being depressed, she recommended some natural supplements and continuing with my exercise before resulting to better living through chemistry. Imagine, my first trip to a health food store!

Another first, I went to the appointment as April! Nervous, yep but also so very affirming. Doctor made a note to have staff call me April next time instead of my male alias. Yes, just like the above photo, no wig, rather uncertain looking natural hair and all.

I am still pretty stressed about everything but I am in a far better place, I just have to make it last .

So what am I obsessing over this week. Well the planned September date for going full time rushes on like an approaching storm. Practical concerns like what and how to tell the neighbours is keeping me up at night. I wish I could just say I don't care what other people say but my transition also effects my wife and children in a million different ways.

More tomorrow.

Hugs,

April

Feeling Like a Super Womble

I have been remiss in not updating my blog with the most recent developments.

I had become very depressed as a result of the uncertainty of my job and the coincidental inability to transition.

The prospect of going backwards and remaining "him" felt like a death sentence. I could not reconcile myself with starting over with a new employer to go through this all over again. This was my last chance to transition and I was losing it.

As the week wore on my attitude began to change. Instead of resigned despair a hint of resolve began to return. I would transition, I would even look for a new job as April if that is what it took. Such brave words...I know but they are true, I hope I have the guts to live up to them.

On Thursday I met up with an old friend and car buddy. We had know each other for over two decades. It cheered me up no end to catch up with him. I had decided now was the time to tell him.

I started by saying are you familiar with the terms, transgender or transsexual. He stops me and says, you know there is a difference.

This was going to be easier than I thought. He was very kind and we talked for hours. He did say he knew there was something different about me for all these years.

I feel much better today, after talking with my old friend I realized that my intense depression and despair was due to the fear that I would have to go back to being "him" for who knew how long (or worse forever), especially if I needed to find a new job. I know now that I CANNOT do that, it would either kill me or make me the worst most unpleasant person in the world to be around.

His acceptance and encouragement helped me realize I could not go back whatever happened. We talked to almost three in the morning. My heart felt so much lighter. The clouds of doom had begun to lift.

I even felt like going out again. I meet up with Ashley for a night at the Carrigan arms. It was pride day on our neck of the woods but they were rained out, which made for a crowded pub. Photos are with my natural hair and at 3:00 AM so no wonder I look that way. And no I do not have a tan, it seems to be an effect of the iphone's flash.

Busy Sunday, no news from our big client on Monday, the job still hung in the balance. Tuesday morning's mail brought good news, our biggest client paid. Our small company lives to fight another day. I still face an uphill battle to help make it profitable but now as April.

The plan is to go full time in September, I am excited and terrified.

Musically, now for something completely different. Super Womble by the Wombles.

My UK readers will likely be the only ones familiar with these guys.I went to a British boarding school from the mid seventies to early eighties so that explains my weird musical taste.

The Wombles were a family of unidentified critters who lived under Wimbledon Common and collected litter. A BBC kids show, they were so popular they had a string of hits records. It is supposed to be Chris Speeding on guitar! Great Chuck Berry like solo.

Hat tip to my Mom who sent me a story about the Wombles playing Glastonbury.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/glastonbury/8565442/Glastonbury-boss-angry-at-Wombles-invite.html

Hugs,

April

Two 1959 Classics

It has been a tough week and very emotional, but more of that tomorrow perhaps.

I must be feeling a bit better as I finally brought my 59 Caddy out into the sunshine after almost a year of hibernation in the bat cave (my garage). I have been lucky enough to own my dream car since I was 16….of course it was in pieces when we first met.

A freshly charged battery and some high test dribbled into the centre carburetor to prime it (she has the rare Q engine option otherwise known as, tri-power, three 2 barrel carbs). I am pleased to report she fired right up. After a quick check of vital fluids and tire pressures we were ready for a test drive around the block.

Later that day I took her for a late night drive along Lakeshore road with the top down. Sublime, the cool night air off the Lake Ontario, lights twinkling on the far shore and the 390 cubic inch big block purring, I could have driven all night.

The next day my friend Natasha dropped by and we took the Caddy for a spin. I picked up the children from school on Monday and after dinner we drove to a local cruise night. I swear the car has had more use in the last few days than all of last year.

I first fell in love with 1959 Cadillacs when I was at boarding school in the UK. Not long after I saw my first 59 Caddy I caught the 1966 film Funeral in Berlin and spotted well you can guess…

Bonus points for seeing the irony in Harry's embarrassment at explaining the contents of his sample case.

As a change from my usual rockabilly related selections here is The Little Sparrow from her 1959 appearance on the Ed Sullivan show. I just watched the bio pic La Vie En Rose, a great film that moves back and forth in time culminating in the performance of at the Paris Olympia in 1960. Such a terrible and sad childhood but what a voice.

Hugs,

April

Paint It Black

Beautiful summer has appeared as if by magic born of a record damp spring. But all I can see is a line of cars and they're all painted black"

I reached a nadir emotionally yesterday, my thoughts had turned increasingly dark as I could see only a lose, lose outcome from any possible future outcomes. Worried that my mood was dangerously bleak (I think you' all know what I mean) I stopped by to see my mother, I had a near breakdown but unburdening myself has not really helped.

"J" argues that I need pharmacological help. I am rather afraid of messing up my thinking anymore than it is already. I do know that things cannot go on like this as my depression is having a negative effect on those around me as well as my ability to function beyond work.

April

Yeah I know the photo is not of a black car but it is a 1959 Cadillac Superior hearse. Obvious choice but you can't go wrong with a classic, perhaps the most beautiful funeral car ever made.