School Days

I rarely feel regret at not transitioning earlier in my life. Of course I wished I had been born the right sex from day one, it would have prevented much pain and confusion for myself and others.

I cannot regret the life I lived, I did the best I could, I am lucky to have beautiful children that I would not have otherwise and to have experienced a close, loving and supportive relationship.

That relationship is evolving and an eventual separation will occur, nevertheless it has not ended in acrimony and hatred like so many "normal" marriages.

The past is the past and it is only the future I have the ability to change. Generally words I can live by but occasionally there is a longing for what I missed by living a good deal of my life as a male.

I recently received a copy of my old schools annual newsletter (about the size of a small paperback novel). I attended a boarding school in the UK with roots going back to the sixteenth century. When asked I usually described it as a cross between Tom Brown's School Days and Lord of the Flies. A very Victorian institution, it had a great deal of influence on me mostly for the good. And no you wisenheimers it is not the cause of my current predicament. It was there however that I began to realize the depths of my dysphoria.

As a child I hated it and was terribly homesick by my final year in the senior school I had come to accept it as my home.

The current issue featured article detailed the school's transition to being co-educational. Girls were only admitted beginning in the early seventies. By the time I arrived they were a distinct but entrenched minority. Reading about these pioneers and even recognizing a name or two was an odd sensation. Both a feeling of nostalgia and loss, reminding me that I am for now still something of an outsider looking in at the world of women.

Week Three

Life goes on as normal as possible, there are days I feel I pass better than others. I haven't had any unpleasant experiences.

One event of note was taking the children to swimming practice, they insisted on using the ladies changing area and not the family one. I was not going in the pool myself just seeing that they changed and made it to their classes on time. I have always used the female washroom when out but this was a more public experience and one where my presence if read could be construed as objectionable by some.

No one seemed to notice and I watched on deck until "J" relived me so I could get dinner going.

On a more light hearted note I was flirted with by the older gentleman cashier at the grocery store. He looked a bit like Santa Claus and offered me a candy. I have no intention of running off with him to the North Pole but it was rather validating and sweet.

Hugs,

April

I Walked with a Zombie

I trust everyone out there in TV land will be glued to AMC this weekend to check out episode 2 of the second season of The Walking Dead. I caught a repeat of episode one on Sunday, of course watched alone in the dark. Very intense, you have been warned.

How many of you find your mind wandering to survival strategies for the upcoming zombie apocalypse….just me, jeez I knew I was weird.

Feeling very positive about transition. Not so much about work. I have proactive job, there is rarely a beginning, middle and end to anything I do. It has been hard to muster a lot of enthusiasm as the marketplace has been so unresponsive. Feeling a little too much like a zombie my self behind this desk. Hopefully I can regain my humanity over the weekend and fight back with new resolve Monday.

A few snapshots from going full time:

Took children and their friends to Mc Donalds for a treat, in the midst of trying to place the order my middle child says loudly Daddy I want….the three women behind the counter according my eldest daughter all exchanged puzzled looks. I continued like nothing happened. Oh well if they looked unsure that was likely a good sign that I passed the initial inspection.

9:30 am appraiser dropped by to see one of my cars for insurance purposes. I answer the door, is (insert male name here) at home? Playing it by ear I say no. Get the keys and answer a few questions, trying to speak about myself in the third person. Assume I passed, not sure.

The software I got to help with my voice turns out to be different from the one shown me at the voice clinic. Does not seem to display pitch while I am speaking. Annoying, anyone have any suggestions?

The dysphoria I used to feel when visiting a mall, seeing other women etc has almost dissipated. Sure I still want surgery, implants, FFS but much more at peace with myself. Liking more what I see in the mirror, finally reflecting who I really am inside.

Hugs,

April

Zombies in Memphis....still lookin' for the King

Riding the Rails

Relearning how to speak, I am seeing a doctor in Toronto. It is up to me to make the effort to practice and change my voice. To avoid as little disruption to family and work I have scheduled my appointments as early as possible, 8:30 AM.

Monday morning was my first appointment, I had gone a few weeks earlier for testing and evaluation.

To make it on time means getting up at five am or earlier to beat the traffic and find a place to park. If Toronto is famous for anything it should be traffic congestion. I used to commute everyday by car so I know it has gotten worse and worse over the years.

Contemplating the large fuel bill for my 455 powered Buick and another twenty bucks for parking, "J"said why not take the train. Well yes I guess I could! I had avoided the train in the past because I didn't feel comfortable i.e. able to pass riding cheek by jowl with the rest of the city's bleary eyed work force.

I am full time now so just bite the bullet and do what not so long ago I would have considered unimaginable. Once again I erred on the conservative side dressing in jeans, flats black top and sweater. The trip was uneventful and no one gave me any funny looks despite sitting very close together in the rather cramped seats. I was surprised by the number of women waiting on the platform in skirts and heels, one very memorable Russian woman in leopard skin pumps.

Heels would have been nice but I had planned to walk from Union Station to the appointment and that might have been just a bit too far and too uncomfortable. Good thing too as I got a call to come to the studio as I was waiting for the train home enjoying a coffee and admiring the imposing imperial architecture of Union station.

Ditched the coffee and caught the subway north of the 401 to pick up an episode on hard drive to drop off at the other studio which is on the way to Niagara Falls. Another subway and train ride home. The subway was equally uneventful though I think the woman across from me may have suspected something. The guy besides me reading his e book certainly didn't.

By the time I got back to Union then the train home it was 1:30. Retrieved the Buick from the GO Train parking lot and headed west. Pulling off the highway I was followed closely by a police SUV almost all the way into the city, I turned right, he turned right, I turned left, he turned left…I started to get worried. I really thought he was going to pull me over (of course I had been exceeding the speed limit on the highway) eventually we parted company. I really think he was running my plate, strange woman in vintage car, sounds like trouble with a capital T.

At the studio I dropped off the hard drive and stuck around to say hello to my contact there, him, Hi what's new?. Me oh nothing much…this was the first time he had seen April and was nonchalant to the point of being comatose, rather funny really.

Almost finished two articles for a Canadian automotive magazine, one on the development of the 19681/2-1971 Lincoln Mark III and another on the history of the revived Stutz company in the seventies. My first commercial writing under the name of April!

Week Two

Week two…wanted to post this earlier but all heck broke loose at work today.

Last week Ontario had a provincial election (my guy lost), of course ID is required to vote. The woman officiating at the polling station looked up from my drivers licence as said to her partner, no that is not right, I need yo see YOUR ID. I offered that I had a second piece of official identification if required, no I need YOUR ID, you gave me the wrong one. Finally I told her that yes that is me. Realization dawned slowly across her face and completely flustered she thrust me my ballot. Glancing back on my way out the door I caught her staring.

The neighbours on the street have been very nice, using the right name and even inviting me over for coffee. Whether I will be ever be accepted as one of the girls is uncertain. I recognize that it takes a while to accept fully such a profound change. I walk my youngest to school almost everyday and have not had a problem from children or teachers, though I do hear through the grapevine that some of the dads were uncomfortable.

Yesterday I had my first client meeting as April. Once again an epic drive into Toronto battling rain and traffic. Some very impatient and reckless drivers, amazed at some of the aggression on display (did that used to be me?). The Electra carried me safely through the maelstrom and consumed the entire $45 dollars of gas I put in the tank the day before.

It would be the first time my boss had met April in person so I dressed conservatively, dark blue dress pant like jeans, flats, a black and tan lace top and a light tan sweater, minimal jewellery. No skirt and heels today though it would have been appropriate for the meeting. As far as I can recall of the other two women in attendance, one wore a skirt and moderate heels the other pants. Boss was complimentary and only slightly freaked out ;)

I had been prepared to introduce myself and explain who I was in order that my situation not be a distraction in meeting (I had not met or corresponded with any of the participants prior). Turned out not to be necessary as my boss took the lead in the discussion. Overall a short meeting that saw us kicked up the food chain to the national management, so a return trip is hopefully in the cards.

The assistant who I had scheduled the meeting with didn't seem to guess who I was and asked where the "he" she had been dealing with by e-mail last couple of months was.

Another first would be working outside on the cars and gardening (mowing and raking…all the gardening I care to do) in full view of neighbours some of who even stopped by to talk. I felt rather self conscious at first as the automotive part is stereotypically seen as a male pursuit and in jeans, t-shirt and no makeup I didn't feel my most alluring. Installed a new Vintage stereo in my 76 Lincoln Mark IV.

My fear of going out has mostly evaporated as the demands of work and family mean I cannot hide away at home.

Some more amazing music from Motor City:

Hugs,

April

First Week

Almost one week full time, so do I have any great revelations. Did the heavens part and was the secret of femininity bestowed upon me. Nothing so dramatic, I think the week would be best summed up in a free association list of experiences:

- entering a shoe store with "J" to buy some much need flats, "how may I help you ladies today" from the manager (who I had bought shoes from in male mode in the not too distant past) YEAH!

- dropped off TV show on a hard drive at studio, receptionist didn't recognize me. I chickened out and didn't speak to editor and studio head.

- knowing look from lady on the street (was I read), driver in passing car took a photo?…of the tranny?

- interacted with teenage girl on the till at another shoe store and with a guy at the hardware store. Neither seemed to read me, though I did have my sunglasses on.

-stopped by my father's church (yep he is a Rev.) for a chat, first time he had seen April "live". Told I am too tall and my hair needs to be longer….I am working on changing the later. Sorry not meaning to be harsh he was very nice.

- girls calling me DADDY repeatedly and loudly in Halloween store , "J" came up with the moniker Dee Dee ton use by the girls when we are out.

- mom called me April

- won't be going to Thanksgiving dinner at brother in laws with rest of 'J's" family.

- first conference call as April. My boss never miss gendered me or used the wrong name.

- official work e-mail changed to April

- first client proposal sent out under my name.

- answered phone at least twice using male name…Doh!

- while pulled over to talk on the phone, guy asks me about the Buick Electra

-witness to a drunk driving incident, identified my self as April, had to provide a written statement. female officer was taller than me…by quite a bit.

- walked children to school every day this week

- getting used to spending a lot more time (not unexpectedly of course) to get ready in the morning.

- do I feel any different, not really just feel like myself…that's good right?

Hugs,

April

Here is the Grace Change with the greatest version ever of I Want you To Be My Baby, try and not dance to this!

Strike One

Up an hour earlier than I would in former guy mode to do my hair, makeup, appropriate outfit, make lunches for the children and to generally prepare for a 10:00 AM meeting.

I had been dealing with the potential client over the phone as "him" during the last few weeks so I felt it only fair to inform them that I would be presenting as female. I mentioned in my e-mail that if they were uncomfortable the meeting could be conducted over the phone or I could arrange someone else from our company to meet with them.

Twenty minutes before the meeting I received a call that the boss of my contact there was not comfortable meeting me. I felt rather crushed but kept a professional tone and set up a meeting between them and my boss. I am upset, one for being rejected out of hand and secondly that my status may jeopardize the deal or at least take it out of my hands. I was looking forward to reporting back some success today.

On the other hand I did receive a very nice call from a friend and colleague today.

Trying to remain positive.

Hugs,

April

Day One, Year Zero

I am well into day three of my RLE, full time, 24/7, presenting as my chosen gender, whatever you wish to call it.

I had Friday off to travel to Niagara Falls with "J" to both get our hair done. I wanted to take some photos of what I wanted but gave up as I could not find what I was looking for on line the night before. "J" drove through a torrential rain storm to get us to the DV8 Salon (great name by the way) on time. I toned things down to leave the house, dark blue jeans, black t shirt, low heels, a gold chain necklace "J" had given me.

I was so nervous I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights, the staff were great making us both feel very welcome. It was such a positive place with an amazing friendly energy, everyone seemed to be having a good time working there, it must be wonderful to come to such a lively place everyday.

It was a unique experience to be in such a feminine environment without feeling the interloper.

I was in the skilled hands of Ron Lee the owner, again I cannot say enough about his skill and the excellent service. I told him what I was looking for but basically offered myself up to his expertise. Instead of a darker colour I ended up blond with cute bangs that work well to completely disguise my unfortunate widows peak. I also had my make up done and listened diligently and asked lots of questions trying to absorb everything she was doing.

I was ecstatic with the cut and it did wonders for my confidence. "J's" hair also blond but a little darker looked amazing, especially since she has such beautiful long full hair. After the salon we went to lunch with Janis, Ron's mom and a friend of "J's" who helped set up the whole day. Janis regaled us with stories of her done everything, eventful life (now she could write a blog!)…thanks for lunch!

We were supposed to be home by six pm to relieve my mother who was watching the children, but due to a massive traffic jam we had to detour around St. Catharines but still made it home not too late.

Day two I had to take my youngest to her gymnastic class and wait with all the other parents. I took the Saturday paper with me so I could bury my nose in the news but no open seemed to pay me any undue attention. The 76 Electra likely attracted more attention.

Later that day I went by the local mall to say hello to a friend who works at the Bay then over to another mall to get my ears pierced….yes I waited this long. Walking around the mall was a little nerve wracking but no one seemed to stare or do a double take even the gaggles of teenage girls. I have gotta get some flats as the two inch heels make too much noise clicking across the polished floors. I am trying to blend in not announce my presence.

Saturday night Genni, Dan and I attended the Carrigan Arms dance, it was eighties night. I had a rather short pink dress that Dan had found for me, lots of fun dancing to the Ramones, Blondie and Billy Idol. Our usual after action coffee at Tim Horton's across the street.

Monday is going to be interesting. Dropping of children at school and a meeting with a new client at 10:00 AM….

Hugs,

April